Friday, October 28, 2011

The Real Cletis (CS)

Hello Followers.  Hope you've had a great week.

Well, normally Friday is the day for the Cougla Kahn to give you his weekly picks.

But, alas, on this day, the guy is just too stinking depressed.  You see, Kahn is in a bit of a tight spot right now.  After all, on one hand, the Kahn is the greatest Paul Wulff supporter on the planet.  And, even in view of last week's game, that support has not wavered one single bit.

However, while the Kahn loves and supports Wulff to death, he absolutely HATES Chris Ball (which is why he is insisting he be called BH again).  And so, with a vaunted Oregon offense on tap for us this week, he respectfully asked me to take his place.

Of course, given that I had nothing planned for today, I was a bit taken aback by his request.  And so I said, "What should I write about then C.K, I mean, BH?"

His response?  "Write about Cletis. Its time they know who he really is."

So, if you want to know the true identity of Bart "Cletis" MacNamara--as well as my picks for this weekend's games.  Then read on.

Followers, I must admit that the story of meeting Cletis is so long and arduous, that telling the entire story would be like replicating that scene in the movie "Airplane," where.....well, you know about Ted Striker's storytelling, right?

Anyhow, I met Cletis right around the time I was moving from my Northern California perch to my new compound in the Southern Tier of New York State.

At first, Cletis simply introduced himself as "Cletis."

Then later, it became, "Hey, my name is Bart, but you can call me Cletis."

And, from there, his story always seemed to shift, little by little, day-by-day.

But the main thing that always struck me about Cletis was how gosh darn Middle America he was.  And so, when he told me that he was a proud graduate of Indiana University and a rabid Hoosiers fan, well, who was I to say that he couldn't join my legion of devout followers??

Yet, even as I heard stories about Cletis' travails at IU, I always felt a bit uneasy about his stories.  I mean, to put it gently, Cletis, while TALL (he's about 6ft 5) and BRAWNY (he's about 250 when naked and dry), isn't exactly what you would describe as an ideal "college going type."  In fact, the guy is certifiably about 2 Tacos short of a combination.

But what always made me think that the guy's Bobby Knight stories and so forth were believable was that every single time he talked about basketball he moved from being a mental midget to a certifiable GENIUS.

So, I figured that his frequent mental lapses and meltdowns must just be a Hoosier thing....


So, for about a year or so, I believed him, his story, and his often vague history about his childhood experiences living in Evansville, Indiana.  But what always got me doubting that whole spiel over and over again was his FIERCE insistence in the capacity of Ken Bone as Head Coach of Washington State.  And that's where things got really weird for me.  I mean, in view of the considerable talent of last year's team in a really weak league, how in the world could a HOOSIER for god's sake defend a team that was often so unable to move the ball and win games they were supposed to?


So, the final straw for me in learning about Cletis' past came one day when I found him and the Kahn at the backside of the Compound shooting hoops.  You see, the Kahn played basketball in high school and did so for a Class B school in the State of Washington. And so, on that particular day, I started to eaves drop as the two were shooting around.

And frankly, I was absolutely amazed to hear Cletis going on and on and on about the endless potential of those LaConner Braves basketball teams that Kahn played against in the mid-late 80's.

I mean, he just went on and on and on about those LaConner teams, including rolling names out like Mike Harlan, DJ Otis, Ross Stroebel, Joe Ritchie, and so forth.  And, as I watched Kahn's eyes glow with amazement, with his jaw just hanging there wide open like a dog, I knew right then that Cletis was no Hoosier.

And so, as I pinned him up against one of my 17 Rolls Royce's I said to him:  "Who are you Bart "Cletis" MacNamara?  WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

And with that, he started to cry.

"Its just too painful," he said.  "Its just too painful."

"Tell us!" we implored.

And then he did.

Turns out, Cletis was developmentally delayed.  And since he grew up with few opportunities to address his considerable learning disabilities, he wasn't able to complete high school.  What he did do, however, was spend all of his time around the basketball court......first as a custodian, and later, as the equipment manager for his brothers' teams.....

And the names of those (younger) brothers?

Well, the first brother's name was Lenny.

The second brother's name was Kenny.

"And what's YOUR STINKING REAL NAME?" we asked him.

His response?


"BENNY?....Benny what?"" we asked, sure that he was going to respond with something like "Hill" or "Hannah."

But instead he gave us a STUNNING one syllable answer.  And that answer was.......


And then, we knew. My gosh, we really, truly knew!!!!

Cletis was none other than the developmentally delayed older brother of former LaConner Braves coach Len, and former SPU coach Ken, BONE!!!

And so, staying at the compound with Kahn and I was none other than man's perpetual BFF, Ben Bone.

So, given his wealth of Hoops knowledge, Benny boy will have a weekly feature on this blog moving forward.  And it will start right around November 14th.   We're calling it "Hoops Talk" with Ben Bone.

I hope you'll enjoy it.

Now onto the games.....


Oregon 59 WSU 24.  Call it a replay of the Stanford/Oregon State games. This one is going to be about 24-17 or so at the half before the track meet begins in the second. BUT Cougs get a bit of needed offensive swagger heading into the CAL game.

Stanford 38  USC 21.  Is SC playing better?  You bet.  But that D has seen nothing like the Cardinal are going to put on them on Saturday night.  I just wish I thought the Trees could beat Oregon.

UW 41 Arizona 35.  If Zona had those four DB's I think they might be able to steal this one. But one of these teams has a good running game and that will be the one that wins the game.

Oregon State 35 Utah 31.  Beavs start the rally cry while Utes fans look at the conference logo and simply start to cry......uncle.

University of Who Cares Berkeley, 41 University of Who Cares Los Angeles 10.  The ship has sailed in Los Angeles as the Ruins have quit twice on Ricky in the first half twice this season.  And it will happen again on Saturday.

Arizona State 51 Colorado 0.   Redux of our game against the Devils last year. The Big O will throw for 4 or 5 scores while a battered Buffs team will drown their sorrows wondering who in the world gave them 13 games without a bye.

And that's all for this week.

Go Cougs!


Anonymous said...

That's the stupidest story I've ever read. So much for this blog. You should have stuck to the other one. LAME!

The Coug-A-Sutra said...

Thanks, Anony. Consider reading the first two posts on this blog. They detail the inevitability of this blog's failure. Thankfully, the mothership seems poised to continue...And so will me and my "friends", until we don't anymore...

Final word on the Oregon game.

Notwithstanding the way that the Ducks PUMMELLED a very good ASU defense, I do think that we match up better with this team than we do most teams of similar prestige/rank. And the reason: While the Ducks certainly do out run you, they typically don't over power you with their size and might. And truly, when it comes to this Cougar D, we have the most problems with teams like Stanford and UCLA that simply try to run over you.

So, while I do think that Oregon will eventually run away with this one, I am interested to see how we respond to last week. Oregon, looking forward to their next two games, is going to want to put us away early.

And so, I am very interested in seeing what happens if they don't--be it through defense or because our offense (and Winston) go off with Lobster/familiarity back..

I'm just glad its on the tube. MSG and MSG+ sometimes nix Pac-12 games in favor of inane programming--like weekly hockey highlight shows, or even worse, Horse Carriage racing...

And I'm not kidding.

TruCoug89 said...

What is Ben Bone's take on the embarrassing Arizona loss to SPU? Does L&C State have a shot against the Cougs?

And is it possible that Wulff is taking a page out of Tony LaRussa'a book - - stink for most of the season, then sneak up on everyone at the end of the season?

Ben Bone said...

Hi TruCoug89. And hello everybody.

My take on Arizona's loss to SPU? I'm not surprised. Kenny and Jeff did such a great job there that there's bound to be spill over.

I'm just glad that all the good folks there are getting the recognition they deserve and that people are now thinking about the place other than a commy-pinko soccer school.

In terms of Arizona? Best thing that could have happened to them. Sean Miller is the best coach in America. And now, he'll have their undivided attention for the rest of the year.

And the Cougs versus Lewis and Clark? They may play us close for a bit as Kenny still doesn't like the overall chemistry with our boys. But my sense is that we'll win by about 31 when its all said and done. As you'll see, we're pretty fast in spots 1-3, especially with Ladd on the court.

And to your final question, I don't know who Tony Larussa is, but it sounds like he might make a mean Lasagna.

And Benny LOVES lasagna.